If you and your partner are looking to mend, couples therapy should definitely be on your list.
Classic Text Miscommunication
Love how this skit portrays how easily we can miscommunicate - how you are speaking the words may not be the same way the other person is hearing your words.
What's Really Going On?
Our actions are often rooted in some deeper internal struggles, aren’t they?
Want to get to know what’s really going on for you? Let’s get started.
GRATITUDE
So let’s talk about gratitude. It can be really freaking annoying when someone tells you to “just be grateful for xyz” when you’re feeling like your world is crumbling, right? Like ok, Donna, thanks for the great advice. Why didn’t I think of that? *cue eye roll
Gratitude is hard sometimes. Some seasons in life it’s really hard to see all the little blessings around us. That’s why they say you have to cultivate it; you have to actually plant the seed and grow gratitude. That’s why they call it a practice; you have to do it over and over again to get good at it.
But something amazing happens when we practice gratitude. The more we do it, the more our brains seek out those moments. We are training our brains to look for the beauty and joy in the ordinary!
Some practical advice on gratitude journaling:
Every day, write at least three things you are grateful for. Try to be as specific as possible! Though it is absolutely necessary to be grateful for all the big things in life like family, health, shelter, etc., those things typically don’t change day to day. When you start listing more specific moments or things, your brain will start to take notice of all the little blessings.
I challenge you to try this daily practice for at least a week and see if your mood changes!
Don't Wait Until the Water Runs Dry
If you’re listening to this song and it sounds exactly like your relationship, it’s time for couples therapy. Listen to Boyz II Men - let’s not let the water run dry. Get the professional help you need to reconnect and find your flow as a couple.
Sometimes, Deep Breaths Don't Help Anxiety!
I don't know about you, but sometimes when I'm feeling anxious and I try to take a deep breath, my upper chest tightens, it feels like my esophagus is just not wide enough, and I feel like I'm still not getting enough air so it's a suffocating feeling, and then I get light-headed. Then you start thinking about how you're breathing and then you get even more anxious because what if you're not breathing correctly and then basically, you're just gonna die.
So many of my clients sigh in relief when I share this with them because they get told so often by well-intentioned people to "just breathe. just take some deep breaths." Like, gee thanks Donna, I wonder why I never thought of that!
Sometimes, deep breathing isn't the solution.
If anxiety keeps creeping up on you and it’s starting to make you feel pretty out of control, let’s talk and figure out what works best for you in reducing those symptoms.
Analysis Paralysis
Are you a high-achieving, successful professional struggling with constantly overthinking and having difficulty making decisions or taking action?
Welcome to the Analysis Paralysis Club (APC, woot woot--also known as the club that no one wants to be apart of but everyone has a hard time leaving.) I personally get stuck in the analysis paralysis trap way more than I care to admit.
https://doist.com/blog/analysis-paralysis-and-your-productivity/
This article has some great information regarding small behavioral changes you can make. However, there is usually something deeper than just habits that we must explore to understand what drives our analysis paralysis and anxiety. We won't find lasting change until we work through those deep dark ugly fears that fuel our anxiety.
Enter: therapy
Call to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be the right fit to guide you on this journey of deep self-exploration!
Anxiety and Anxiety About Anxiety
Does your anxiety cause anxiety? And that causes more anxiety? Which in turn causes more anxiety about the growing anxiety about the anxiety? Then suddenly your mind is racing and down the rabbit hole you go. You start feeling restless, your chest tightens, and even those deep breathing exercises that everyone tells you to do makes you feel like you can’t breathe. You can’t fall asleep or you wake up in the middle of the night only to toss and turn, wrestling with your racing thoughts, and since you didn’t get a good night’s sleep, your anxiety is even more heightened throughout the next day making life miserable. On and on this cycle goes.
Anxiety is a b*tch. Anxiety about anxiety is an even bigger b*tch because it makes you think that you can’t handle your anxiety which makes it feel even more scary and hopeless. The worst part is how out of control you feel. It can be so overwhelming.
Maybe you’ve read all the self-help books and listened to all the TED talks and tried all the guided meditations, and it hasn’t really helped. Maybe you’ve even been to therapy before and the thought record worksheet, mood log, and coping skills list were just thrown onto a huge pile of mail. And yet here you are, reading this, admist the feelings of hopelessness. Let me tell you this: there is help! You can overcome anxiety!
Ask yourself: What is Anxiety doing to my life, my work performance, my relationships, my health, my happiness, etc. Is Anxiety interfering with my daily life?
Emotions are NOT Irrational!
“Emotion is not opposed to reason. Emotions guide and manage thought in fundamental ways and complement the deficiencies of thinking. ”
I always ask a client this question: “If Thinking and Feeling got into a boxing match, who would win?”
*Hint: the correct answer is Feeling.
Our emotions are SO strong. We feel before we can think and comprehend. Have you ever had the hair on your neck raise and your heart start beating faster before even realizing there is potential danger? Our brains are hard-wired this way to protect us. We sense things before we can think through it.
And yet, we live in a highly intellectualized world where we value logic and rationality over emotion. We’ve placed rational logic on a pedestal and left emotion behind. Society has waged a war against emotions; specifically the ones that are viewed as negative: anger, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, etc. It has become an insult to call someone “emotional” and most people think that being emotional is the opposite of being logical or rational.
But contrary to popular belief, emotions are not irrational. Do you hear me? Emotions are not the opposite of logic. There is always a good reason for why you feel whatever you feel. Emotions tell us so much about ourselves and what we hold near and dear to our hearts. Our emotions shape our inner world and determine how we behave in the world.
So, what if we tuned in to our emotions? What if we listened to the message they are trying to send us? What if we didn’t so quickly swat them away, invalidate them, and shame ourselves for having them? What if we got to know our emotions and started using them well, allowing them to guide us?
What if you did this with the people around you? What if you honored their emotions and used them as a glimpse into that person’s inner world? What if instead of trying to run away from the uncomfortable-ness, we could turn toward those emotions?
The more awareness we bring to our emotions, the more we can change its impact. The best way to regulate our difficult emotions is to share them in a safe place.
Not About the Nail
A facetious video clip about a very common relationship dynamic:
Do you ever feel like your partner isn’t listening to you and instead always jumping to fix it by throwing solutions at you?
Or maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t appreciate your effort to fix what you think is just an obvious problem.
Both sides are completely understandable and valid experiences.
Couples therapy can help you understand your partner better and thus improve communication and deepen connection.
The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage
Here are some amazing nuggets of wisdom from Dr. Susan David:
When we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.
When we label our emotions more accurately, we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.
Emotions are data, not directives—we can show up to and mine our emotions for their values without needing to listen to them.
We own our emotions, they do not own us.
When you feel a strong, tough emotion, don’t run to the emotional exits.
Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions with curiosity, compassion, and courage.
The Power of Secure Bonds
“We can help people create this bond...and when we do that, it changes the safety of their world. ”
This brain scan study on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) shows the science and biology of love. After just 20 sessions of EFT, fMRI scans showed a drastic change in brain activity when presented with the threat of physical pain. The brain literally changed how it perceived the threat of danger because of the safety felt through a secure emotional bond with a partner; that is how greatly positive attachment and bonding affects us. This study also shows that this strong bond can be created: you and your partner can learn how to have a strong and secure bond that keeps you both safe from danger.
Insight, Mutuality, and Emotional Regulation.
If only we were taught romantic competence before it’s too late.